The Never Ending Quest
Or the trial and error ways of figuring out why I write....
Do any of you remember the scene from Jerry McGuire where Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr. are in the locker room, and Tom screams the line, “Help me, help you,” out of sheer frustration?
No? You can find it here, and just for kicks, go ahead and watch it now… I’ll wait. The scene is brilliant.
Now, imagine myself saying that into the mirror every single morning.
“Help me, help you!”
It isn’t pretty, but that seems to be the place I’m in right now.
The other part of the scene is when Tom asked him if he remembered why he started in the first place. Was it only for the money?
I hate to admit that for the last year I have been down the show-me-the-money rabbit hole of writing. I thought if I could figure out how to write more, publish more, and find more readers, then I could eventually quit my day job. A light at the end of the literary tunnel. I’ve followed all the big Indie writers, took their classes, and it actually did help for a while. I wrote We Still Hope in that honeymoon phase of this might actually work mentality.
As soon as I decided to make a go of it (hello, resolutions?) the petulant child inside me said, “No, thank you. Not today.”
Or the next day.
Or the next.
At first I was taking February off—to figure out what I wanted. Surely, one month wouldn’t throw me so off track that I couldn’t catch up, could it?
March.
April.
May.
Here we are, June 1, and I’ve written less than 10k this year, total. The imposter syndrome is strong, and I dread the question, “What are you writing now?”
“Maybe I’m not a writer anymore,” I whined to my friend.
“Maybe you need to remember why you write,” she deadpanned.
The thing is, once you get so sick of yourself and your excuses, you’re finally at a place where you can understand why. You can see the flaws in your original plan, and you definitely can begin to take some baby steps.
Where the path is leading, I still don’t know. I simply decided to go back to the beginning and write for you on a consistent basis, trusting it’s leading me to a better place than where I’ve been. I have given into the fact that I’m not like all the other writers out there, and perhaps, my books are more about understanding life than making money.
I’m insanely proud of what I have accomplished, and finally excited again to see where the words will lead me. For now, I’ll read fabulous books by amazing authors and send them your way... because that is truly where this love affair began: With a book.
Until next time, read something fabulous.