The Back to School Special
The past couple of weeks have been riddled with back to school moments invading all of my thoughts. And yesterday, when I was walking, I had this moment of longing for those days.
The excitement of kids going back to school and freeing up your time.
The change in schedule.
The structure of needing to be somewhere at a certain time, multiple times a day.
Sunday night prep for the week.
I miss it all.
And yet…. I wouldn’t go back for any amount of money in the world.
That time has passed, and while I’m remembering the dreamy part of parenthood, I seem to be leaving out the portion of stress that invaded our every thought.
Is my kid okay?
Do they have friends? Are they “good for them” friends?
Are they smart enough?
Talented enough?
Do they fit in?
Over weight? Underweight?
How do we get rid of those zits?
Why can’t they turn their homework in on time? How come every other child is doing better than they are?
The teacher who emailed me because Blake was snoring in class everyday? Are you kidding?
So… maybe I don’t miss the back to school days as much as I thought.
What about it do I miss? Like… truly miss?
I miss…. Connection and camaraderie with other moms. I miss hockey practice and games. I miss the after school snack/homework/dinner/practice hustle. I miss the structure each day brought. I miss finding pockets of time that I could use to write. I miss who I was when I was a mom who was needed. I miss the busyness. I miss the way I could handle so many things all at once, without batting an eye. I felt like someone who could fix anything because I made it happen multiple times a day.
I know getting older is about freedom, but a part of me also feels like I’m just too old to do anything anymore. Like the best part of my life is over, and I didn’t even understand to enjoy it at the time. But that is how every life stage is, isn’t it? Never appreciating what is right in front of you at the time, and looking back realizing how good you had it.
So what does it all mean?
It means… open your eyes. Look at what is right in front of you and love what is there no matter what. Because, tomorrow you will look back and wonder what the hell you were so stressed out about. You’ll wonder why you wished those days away so much. You’ll wonder why you didn’t trust that everything would be okay, even when the opposite was facing you everyday.
Spoiler alert: everything is going to be okay.
And this goes to every woman, no matter what stage you’re in, but especially to those who no longer get to celebrate the back to school moments.
We are a different breed who need to find something else to create that structure in our lives.
We need connection, not avoidance like we think. My entire existence revolves around one thought… How can I get away from these people? It doesn’t matter who the people are… just the need to get away. To hide. To find comfort in the solitude. To seek peace by eliminating all conflicting points of view. To understand that when I’m alone is the only time I’m not at service to someone else.
Yeah… that last one is just for me.
I missed doing this. Spilling my guts to the blank page and hitting publish, not caring who read it or what they thought.
This whole post feels a little self-indulgent, but I’m tired of avoiding the words and thoughts in my head. And I thought that maybe if I’m feeling this way, someone else might need to hear it too, no matter what stage you’re in.
No matter what, remember to lean on those around you, smile at the chaos, and know that no matter what is (or isn’t) going on, you are a kick-ass mom.
Until next time, pretend you have homework, and read something fabulous.
xo, mj